I went in to see Dr Thorpe Tuesday (May 14th) morning for our second appointment, we were 12 1/2 weeks along. I love my appointments, hearing the heartbeat has always been my favorite part and this would be the first time in this pregnancy (last time I only got to see it in the ultrasound). Dr. Thorpe brought out the Doppler and started to search for that precious heartbeat but was only picking up mine. He went to get the portable ultrasound machine. As I laid there on the table, trying to stay calm I prayed "Heavenly Father, I really want this baby". The ultrasound confirmed my heartbreaking news, no heartbeat. I could see the small shape of the fetus in the ultrasound and it was nearly the same size as it was at our last appointment. Tears slowly rolled down my face as we walked to the main ultrasound room, there we would determine when the heart had stopped beating and if there was any bleeding. 8w1d, so just shortly after our first dr appointment and normal bleeding had started. I decided that I wanted to let it pass naturally, which could happen anytime within the next week or two. Dr Thorpe was wonderfully sensitive and sincere. I could almost see his heartbreaking for me. Before I left he gave me a big bear hug and told me how sorry he was for me. I am grateful for my Dr.
((I had spotted a little that morning but wasn't worried about it, especially since I was going in to the dr that same morning. In retrospect I realized that I also had light cramping the whole week before but it wasn't enough to worry me or even think anything about it - when your pregnant your body does all sorts of things that it doesn't normally.))
As I was on my way home I texted Nathan asking him to wait at home for me for just a little longer (I questioned whether I should even be driving myself home as I had a hard time seeing through my tears). Sensing something wasn't right he headed over to Jeralyn's house to pick up Harlow so I didn't have to. When we were all together Nathan held me while I held Harlow and I let the tear fully come now. I know Nathan was sad but I was so grateful for his strength. Holding Harlow was the best thing for both of our hearts!
Nathan had to leave for work and school, to which he was late for now. I put Harlow down for his nap but couldn't stay inside, it felt suffocating. I went into the front yard and rocked myself in the rocking chair. Strange how emotions work, I would feel calm and then suddenly, without warning my throat would tighten and the tears stung my eyes. In my sadness I felt alone and crushed.
Becca came as a ray of God-sent light. She dropped everything and was with me in less than an hour. She held me and we both cried. She spent the afternoon with me, talking about what was happening but also taking my mind off myself and my sadness. I am so grateful for this amazing sister and friend I have! She came as a tender mercy and answer to prayers; so full of love for me. She brought lunch and dinner to me. She took us to the Springville Splash Pad to give us something to do. She was strength to me when I was in need.
Not much happened until Saturday when I passed it. I'll just say it felt very similar to labor. I am thankful for a strong body. Heavenly Father is truly miraculous and our bodies are amazing and capable things. I was surprised by the wave of emotions that came immediately after. I sobbed. I have never felt such heartache. Nathan stayed close and simply held me. "I don't even have a baby" is all I could say.
I did pass the amniotic sac still whole and perfect. We had talked about whether or not we wanted to see the baby or if that would be too hard. We decided 'Yes' and I am happy we did. The baby was so small and white, about the size of the top section of your pinky. It had arms and legs and little webbed fingers and toes. Two black dots were its eyes. We then buried it in the back yard. I am grateful we decided to look at our baby. It might seem strange but it gave me closure and helped my heart. I did have a baby, and someday I will be able to hold that little one and give it the sweet kisses that for now I cannot.
I am grateful for the thoughts and prayers in our behalf. For the meals that have been brought and the hugs that have been given. I am blessed and loved!
Earlier I wrote that as I lay on the table I prayed "Heavenly Father, I really want this baby". Then as I sat outside on the rocking chair I began to think back on when we were deciding whether to try for another baby. I got nervous but then I prayed, telling Heavenly Father that I felt like it was the right time but I was nervous and just then, a powerful and peaceful feeling came over me that Yes, it was the right time. I looked back on that event and wondered. Obviously, He knew I would have this miscarriage. Yet, He had reassured me this was the right timing. As I sat another peaceful feeling came again and calmed my heart. It had been the right timing, the Lord knew this would happen. There was wisdom in this. I needed to learn something, maybe to rely more on the Lord, maybe to trust His timing, maybe I need to experience this so that I can more fully relate with others who have felt this heartache. I do not know. But what I do know is that Heavenly Father is keenly aware of me and my needs. He is guiding my life. He loves Me. I have felt this often these past two weeks. His peace is sweet and healing. His timing is perfect, He is wise, and He is always near to comfort His Children.
